Sunday, April 25, 2010

Walking through an opening I haven't seen in years I don't care to number. I look around at what's new and different, and everything looks exactly as I left it. The trees huddled together around the risen tree roots which I used to make my tea party table. The mushrooms are still over grown across the luscious green grass, so much so you'd think they had been scattered there on purpose. The tiny purple flowers lay thick amongst the grass and all up the gathered trees, like a fairy had planted them so. But I can't help noticing a difference in the air. A sort of, uneasiness surrounding me. Something here has lost it's charm, it's care free manner, it's innocence. But to me everything is right, down to the last detail, just as I remembered. In the days where I would spend hours down here, to escape. Running round with my imagination as my guide. I would fight battles, save princes (silly boys), have tea with visiting royal families, whatever I wanted to do in my magical garden, I could. No one ever judged me, as they weren't there to see me. No one ever told me I wasn't achieving enough, as they couldn't see the battles I was winning. People didn't expect more from me than I of myself, because I was happy.
And as I stand here now I realize the change. In me.
I am not who I was the last time I came here. I am not who people want me to be, but I am not want I want me to be either. I am happy just surviving. Not winning battles, or saving lives, but just living. Where did the fire in me go? Where did the passion disappear to? In a sea of excuses, shrouded in ignorance.
I could do no wrong as a child. And now I feel I can do no right as an adult. I need to find the freedom I felt in this landscape of magic. I need to find my path there, and to a new home. I cannot be who I was then, but I cannot be who I am now.


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